September 18, 2009

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In the summer of 2007, we moved from Pontiac to Normal, IL.  All our remodeling work in our old house and  a decade of mortgage payments helped us have enough money for a down payment on a larger home in Normal.  We had several kids at this point, and they were getting older needing their own space.  Our family of 6 had been living in a 1-1/2 story, 3 small(really small) bedroom house with 1 bathroom.  We were ready for a larger home.  Unfortunately for us, there were not many houses available for the right price, and still close enough for us to still drive to work.  I remember telling our realtor to not show us anything over a set price range or we would be done looking.  To his credit, he never did show us until we were all out of options, he then reminded me of what I said but knew where there was a house that had a perfect location, and what we were looking for.  We decided to see the house, and ended up buying it which was about $50,000 over our price range.  Figured we will just have to tighten up our budgets to get by.  Little did we know how perfect the location was for us at the time.

 

What Were We Thinking?

Who would have known in the space of 2 years what all would be coming our way?  Probably every money manager and financially responsible person.  But that wasn't me.  Our house had sold, we needed to move now before start of school year.  By the summer of 2008, we were struggling just to be together.  Too much work for both of us, and life, in general, was taking a toll on our marriage.  We were drifting apart from each other.  We needed to spend time together as a family.  We took a vacation (road trip) to Niagara Falls.  It was about 12 hours driving together in the car.  It was a good trip, we had made some decisions about our family, things were going to get better.  Soon after returning from vacation, my wife's work closed their plant.  Now things were becoming even more frustrating.  One income in a house we already barely could afford.  We were fortunate, there was a lot of overtime to help pay the bills, but the time apart was taking an even greater toll on us. 

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When Will It Get Better?

For about 6 months, I found myself listening to a CD on the way to and from work every day.  "How Great Thou Art".  I must have played that song a million times while thinking of my situation.  At that point in my life, I am not sure why I was listening to this.  I was bitter towards God, finances, marriage, and still upset with death of my dad.  Why does God let all this suffering happen?  By the end of December 2008, God started moving in my life, small things at first.  Conviction started growing, and eventually, I got saved in February 2009, and my wife a few months after that.  God was blessing our marriage, our family.  Things were healing.  We were on another vacation in May or June 2010 to see my aunt in Arkansas.  This was our Journey to Know God trip.  I still remember seeing my wife reading a bible storybook in the car as we were going through the rolling hills.  I remember a feeling of blessedness, looking out into all the trees and thinking God is everywhere.  He is with my wife reading those stories with her.  It was getting darker the further we got into our trip, and I remember my wife just turning on the reading light in the van to keep reading on.  We pulled into a fast-food drive-thru, and she was still reading those stories.  At one point she was reading about Abraham and Sarah.  God told them, she would conceive, and Sarah laughed because she was old.  I remember my wife laughing, and I told her "be careful old lady, that may be you yet."  She was about 41 years old at that time.  She kept reading and laughing.  Story after story she read.  It was a great trip and we hadn't even reached my aunt's house yet.  When we got there, we were in for a bigger blessing.  I was hoping to get to know my aunt more.  We started talking about all the blessings God was working in our lives.  Anyway,  all of our kids and uncle got to singing Christian songs into almost past midnite.  My aunt was up getting around even though she had health problems.  She even fell at one point and bounced right back up.  It was my favorite memory with my aunt, getting to know them and having a great spiritual conversation, and singing with my family.

 

Why Didn't I Go?

We returned from our trip and later found my wife was pregnant.  We started doing all the doctor appointments for wellness.  About 4 months into the pregnancy, another visit was scheduled but I had to work.  After several kids were already healthy, it became pretty routine for us.  I decided to work, and let my wife go by herself to an appointment.  It was one of my biggest regrets in life that I would find out later.  During her checkup, the doctor said our baby was no longer alive.  My wife had come home and waited for me to tell me.  When I got home, I could tell right away something was wrong.  We talked about it, and decided to wait before getting back with doctor just to be sure, before surgical removal. We were in denial.  A few days later on September 18th, we miscarried.  The loss of the baby was a huge trial for us. Very challenging spiritually, as we were waiting on our baptism, we struggled with this.  Why God, Why now, Why Us?  It was hard on my wife, more so than me.  I guess a mother connects earlier to her baby than a father, not sure.  Maybe it just wasn't all real enough to me yet.  I don't know.  It bothered me more I would find out years later.   

 

Who Lifts Us Up?

I saw my wife in bed for days, her grief just tearing at her.  I didn't know what to do, what to say.  There was nothing I could do.  I felt so helpless.  As the days passed by, I started to see how God was with my wife in her grief.  How he was starting to lift her up.  How he read the bible to her. On September 23, 2009, I heard my wife reading the bible in bed; Isaiah 41:10.  "Fear thou not, for I am with thee ...I will help thee."  Isaiah 41:13 or 3, For the Lord thy God, will hold thy right hand ... I will help thee.  God was speaking to her through these verses, uplifting her, helping her get through this moment.  He lifted her out of her sadness.  I will never know what He was telling her when she read those verses, I just know he forever planted the verses in her heart.  She didn't know at the time, but God was going to bless her with another child a few years later, when she was a few years older.    As for me, I may have told you the only thing I would change in my life, would be to have more kids.  To this day, I find myself in private at times, weeping for our child we lost.  It could be just a passing thought or something that triggers it.  I still feel the loss.  But I know now that God forever gave my wife these verses in her heart to help her get through moments of despair.  He showed me, he will bring my family through moments, when I can't.  When I don't know what to say.  When I don't know how to show my feelings.  When I hold it in, because "that is just what men do."  

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Thank you, Lord, for strengthening our faith in you.